Be Relatable, Not Vulnerable

There’s a lot of hype about vulnerability these days, and how it goes hand in hand with building trust. The concept seems reasonable at first glance – being vulnerable with others enables others to recognize that you trust them, and that you’re providing a space for them to share their own vulnerabilities.

Dictionary.com defines vulnerability as the willingness to show emotion or to allow one’s weaknesses to be seen or known; willingness to risk being emotionally hurt. Here’s why vulnerability isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be:

1. Vulnerability is not a shortcut to building trust. If you’re sharing emotionally sensitive content from your personal life, you are not building trust that others can rely on you at work.
2. Vulnerability can be used as an excuse for oversharing – but it’s usually not welcomed by many who would prefer to keep work-life boundaries more separate. Additionally, oversharing is especially harmful if you’re a leader, as colleagues can’t escape the conversation without fear of damaging work relationships.
3. Vulnerability can also be used as an excuse for letting harmful behaviors remain unaddressed. For example, if someone is going through a rough time at home, then they may feel that sharing details gives them permission to cross acceptable boundaries of rudeness or unproductiveness at work.
4. Vulnerability has quickly become a tool of choice for many leaders. But even well-meaning leaders can fall into a trap of calculated manipulation – they share ‘vulnerabilities’ that don’t put themselves at risk of reprimand or perception loss to encourage desired behavior. For example, leaders may share ‘interview’ weaknesses in order to make you feel safe enough to share your own (real) weaknesses. Unfortunately, this can backfire on you if it biases others to view you in a more negative light – which can lead to frayed relationships or being passed over for a promotion.
5. Vulnerability doesn’t work well for women and minorities. These groups already face additional barriers to being perceived as competent and promotion-worthy – so sharing the wrong vulnerability can really hinder your career progress. And there’s no way to know what the ‘wrong’ vulnerability is ahead of time – after all, women are already penalized for having kids or being ambitious – traits that are seen as positive in men.

Instead of capitalizing on vulnerability to build trust, strive to be relatable. Dictionary.com defines relatability as “easy to form a social or emotional connection with; appealing or sympathetic”. These are important qualities that enable you to build relationships, likability, and trust. Here are some examples of how you can be relatable without being vulnerable:

• Don’t be afraid to admit that you don’t know the answer to a question outside your area of core expertise. No one can know everything!
• Offer to help others with tasks if they’re overloaded with work or stepping away for a few days. But remember to put yourself first – consider your own workload and keep your generosity to a reasonable amount.
• Be consistent with your words and actions. Make sure you’re able to fully commit to dates and action items before you let others know (even in casual conversation), and follow through on what you say.
• If you made a misstep or caused a work issue, take ownership and apologize for it without pointing fingers at others. Most work mistakes are fairly minor and happen to everyone – but conducting yourself graciously goes a long way to earning the trust of your colleagues.
• Be positive and stay away from gossiping about others. This does not mean that you can’t point out issues, but you should aim to keep conversations constructive and respectful.
• Be intentional about listening to and understanding your colleagues’ perspectives when there’s a difference of opinions. To start, you may not have all the information necessary. And no matter what approach is ultimately taken, it’s important that everyone is heard and feels listened to.

Relatability will help you establish good relationships with others and humanize you as a leader. It’s a much safer and more work-appropriate path to establishing trust than vulnerability.